A Mother's Faith and An Angel...

It was past 2 AM on some specific day. I was unable to sleep because one issue kept me awake. Then my phone started ringing. It was an unknown number. Who the hell is this calling me this time?  I picked the call.

Because of one wrong decision my financial condition got sacked. I was getting the blame for everything. I was being blamed for all the wrong things for which I was not even responsible remotely. The people who used to leave their chair when I used to walk in any deal, now the same people had the words to talk ill about me. I did not have the job and my account balance showed only 1295.58 Rs even there was the pressure to feed my hunger and the incident threw me in deep debt. I did not have any way to repay.  My credentials had fallen in the market, so I was virtually banned to be in game until I restore the faith. People avoided me, so that I could not ask for the help. I had the perfect opportunity to see the real face of the people and I was afraid that I may cultivate the hatred towards the human kind.

"Pradeep Bhai...!!", I listened a familiar voice.

"Haan Bhai..," I replied and I did not know what to say next I just wanted to keep smiling on hearing this voice.

He questioned, " How are you doing?"
"I am going to survive some more days," I replied.

"Don't give up! Remember your mother..." He gave suggestion.

It was my cousin. With whom I grew up. I don't know where he is staying? Most of the time I doubt whether he is alive? He does not leave any footprints for the trace. Most of the time he keeps the hawk eyes what is going on with me. 

Years passed by I did not hear anything from him. I vividly remember he called me last time in Dec, 2011, when I was going through very serious illness. Pain was so intense that I was contemplating to kill myself. Then he came as the angel or "Alien"  to give me strength to fight with my physical and emotional condition . His words still echoed in my head "Remember your mother did not lose hope when everybody said to give her up. You are the product of hard work and dedication of your mother. You can't be weak." 

He was reminding me the situation when I had the polio in my neck then I was around one year old. Doctor advice that I am not going to be physically normal but my mother refused instead she fought with condition and took me for the treatment continuos 7 months without missing a single day. People mocked her. Some of the relative called her mad. She faced the scorching heat. She herself hit by heat stroke. Many times she faced the hailstorm. After all the hardship and her dedication I was looking physically well but treatment had killed my immunity. For this she fasted on Thursday for my well being until I have the moustache line on my face. I don't know whether her fasting help me in my health or not but her care did and her care did miracle. Believe me I trust in miracle. 

Now I was fighting with real problems and with real peoples who wore the facade. It was depressing and beyond this it was making me angry. The peoples reaction was so bad that I wanted to shoot them at the spot. I helped them grow and these people wanted me not to meet them. I was trying to find the shelter. I was desperately waiting for the miracle to happen but it was not happening.

"Yeah... I know," I replied and kept silent.

He said, "Pradeep, I can help you in this and everything will be fine within one week but I would not."

"Any reason for this decision?" I asked.

He replied, "Get out of this, you can do it and you can come strong..." and he did not answer my question.

It's his habit he never answered my questions. He left the questions for me to discover the answers.

"Good luck!" he said and cut call.

I tried to speak more with him back but he did not pick the call and few hours later that no. was switched off. Even I could not ask where he is and how is doing? I hope he would be doing well. Again, he disappeared like angel and did not hear again since then. Still I don't know where he is?

I did not sleep whole night. In morning, I decided to stop thinking whatever bad is happening with me and I decided to concentrate how to solve it. Miracle happened I found it once again. I got rid off the problem. I got rid off the peoples.

But, I am expecting could hear back from him. I am expecting my mother to stop fasting. She stopped for few weeks but she resumed again. May be she is still praying for my well being. May be he is watching me like angel. I know when I am in problem my mother prayer will bring me out and that Alien will come to guide me way out.

Perception of equalities?

"Would you like to come for coffee?" she enquired.

"No" the reply came out from my lips.

She was puzzled and was taken aback from my reply as if she was hearing the "No" word first time and I doubt such the beautiful girl would have got a "NO" for anything.

I was sitting at my desk since 3 hour straight and lunch time already had passed and I did not have any intention to leave.

"Did you have lunch?", again she questioned.

"No", I said and continued staring at the desktop screen.

"Why? Are you fasting or dieting?" again she pried.

I locked the desktop. "OK" lets go.

"Floor cafeteria or Ground cafeteria?",  I asked.

She expressed that she would like to have some snacks as well so I decided to go to Ground Floor's cafeteria.

After taking some snacks I took the table near to TV and she joined me at the table.

We faced each other and I did not say a word. I was enjoying my tea with chips. I was hungry and I was reluctant to leave my desk but here I was eating like starving man and tea and chips was trying to boost up my hunger instead of satisfy it. I finished my tea and chips even before she starts.

"What Pradeep! Coming with you is boring!", she responded on my action.

"First thing your words are offensive and second thing you are being judgemental early", I had to reply.

I observed that she was upset because I did not wait for her to start her snacks and I was not interested in the conversation.

"Are you dieting?" again she questioned.

Many times she asked about the status of my lunch but my reply was NO. She was being inquisitive about why I was not going for lunch and I used to have my snacks with my computer. Many times I had to share my snacks with her unwillingly.

"No. I am not dieting the reason I am not coming for the lunch that I don't eat alone." I tried to answer her curiosity.

She made her face like she was trying to find the dumbest answer possible for her question and still my answer was on the top dumbness' scale.

"Don't be surprised. I don't eat alone", I told in reply of her expression.

"Why are you sad?" I threw the sentence on her.

I made her astonished. Damn Me, I managed to offence her also.

She asked furiously,"Do I look sad?"

She wished me the morning with sparkling eyes and confidant face and few hours later her were red and face was tired as if she cried a lot.

"Why are you sad?", I put the same sentence with same tone and calmness.

She was getting angry but she calmed herself, she kept silent for few moments and said, "It's not your business."


I replied calmly yeah, it's OK. If you don't want to share I will not ask but why are you trying to divert your mind with an unknown person on this table whom you don't know at all except his name and employments' history?

She was listening carefully and fighting within herself to not let her tears appear in her eyes.

"Pradeep... You are heartless. If you can't help someone please don't make their situation worse" as she spoke and I could see her lips trembling as if she is going to burst in to tear.

"You are being judgemental early", I reiterated.

Some people are heartless because they never picked themselves after their fall. They refused to hold hands which came in the form of help when they were down.

When something pinches you, it so happens that you go into your "silent den" to get yourself healed. And it helps too.

It happened with me when I was badly hurt by someone very very dear to me. I stopped talking. My contact confined to my family. Many people offered help. I refused thinking I have to come out of this myself. Eventually I came out of it but it left a ugly scar.

Scars can't be healed. They project your heartlessness. Those people who are far from you see your emotional indifferences. But the people who are close, they know you are still the same person in a different way. More mature than before. More careful than before.

"Pradeep we are in 21st century and people are progressing, still there are disparity in society," She put her point with anger.

"I think we are not ready to handle the parity still, the society, whatever we are in,  is in perfect shape and balance, It's my thinking. It will evolve with us and will change with time but not immediately," I replied.

"What happened? Why are you blaming society?" I asked.

"My father  wants me to meet a boy for marriage", she replied.

"I don't see anything wrong in this, he is your father he would like to see you happy anyway," I spoke and, "I think our parents are smart enough to take decision".

"No! still they are orthodox", she replied and tried to reach the tissue paper to wipe her tears. I pushed the tissue paper towards her and I asked her "wipe as if you are wiping your face not tears, many eyes on us at this place we are sitting here since long time."

"Every generation think, they are smarter than their previous generation," I tried to clarify her thoughts, "Anything wrong with this boy?"

"No, I don't know about him much I know his name and where he works," she replied.

"OK! So what are the things stopping you to meet him? You will get to know him at least," I suggested.

"Pradeep, I earn more than him and I want to marry a guy who is successful", she replied.

"I think your concern is equality and equality must be understood from both end not from one and you are projecting this guy as a loser because he earns less than you?" I put my points in very serious tone.

"OK! I will meet him," she replied with chuckle, "And you are invited in my friend's birthday, may be there you can find your friend so that you don't have to remain hungry...."

The conversation with a beautiful girl...1

17 Jan, 2 P.M.

I saw my watch. "Damn it's 2 'O' clock. She did not come. Has she gone already? No, but I did not see her going? Great Pradeep. OK! She will be coming soon."

I went straight to Guard and asked "Bhaiya, S3 k liye cab kab jayegi?"

"Sir samne wali cab ja rhi hai, baith jayiye" he replied.

I went to the place where cab was parked and looked around I did not see her coming.  I waited for sometime then sat in the cab and watched the time. Ohh god it's 2:05 now and she did not come yet. 

"Sir, Sar nāvu hōgi māḍabēku?" cab  driver asked something like this.

Sorry!!??

"Sir, Ab chalta?" He translated for me.


No, wait for 5 min more some more people will also go.


He did not replied anything and turn on the radio. It played some Kannada. I don't know exactly what was it? It may have been telgu or tamil or malyalam, i don't find any difference when I hear them.


I just checked my mobile. No message, no miss call. Thank God ! And it was on silent, after the meeting, I forgot to bring it in vibrate mode.


Then looked the watch again. It's 2:08 and my heart beat increased and shadow of disappointment started covering my thought.

Then for confirmation, I looked through the rear glass. There she was coming black top, eyeglass with full black framed was completely matching her with prettiness.

I leaned side and opened the door for before she opened it by herself. She even did not thank me. WTF where is the courtesy dying in girls? She sat beside me at the distance as much was possible in the Tata Indica .

Driver looked back and started the car and accelerated it.

I felt that my heart had more excitement than my mind. And its beats were disturbing the scenario I was making to bring the conversation alive with her.

She could have heard of the sound of my heart beats if she wanted to. But she did chose to play with her cellphone.

It was Samsung XXX (XXX=does not matter) and she was tapping on the screen. I looked at my phone Micromax XXX(XXX=cost around 1700 Rs last year, even key pad does not work on full strength of finger). I unlocked it and read an unopened message. It was my team mate he  dropped the message to wait for him, if I am in parking.

Driver asked for confirmation and I said, "No one is coming now, we can go now"  and looked at her for her approval but she ignored as if it does not matter whether someone is coming or not. Car left the parking lot and devil inside me dropped a message to my teammate "cb left, u mk up @ 3 shrp @caftria".

Cab was out of the Tech Park and she was not tapping her phone.

I composed my self and asked "Where are you from?"...

Continue....

You peoples are really important...

​Relationships can be so fragile! I can’t believe how dependent I am on my relationships. They give me something that nothing else in the world can. I love my people… well who doesn’t? but when I look back today and ask myself what is it that I remember the most and how do I see myself in future… the answer would be with my people. People I love the most! It’s almost unhealthy sometimes to what extent I can go to save a relationship. Ending up in realization that sometimes no amount of effort can change things or in fact get the changed things back to as they were before. Sometimes you loose friends and you have no idea why. I can’t help but mourn over such incidents. Wondering what went wrong. Wishing I would have just kept quiet or questioning my obsessive compulsion to be “honest”… why is it that everything has to reach a conclusion or given a name to? Why do we have to put some name tag on people and then we get peace. As if in a morgue with a dead name hanging to its owners big toe. No matter how angry or sad or agitated I get at times, I can’t deny the amount of happiness I got from my friends which make the little patches of tough times worth the pain.

Call me negative or whatever but a thought suddenly struck me today, this uncertainty that life comes with, what if I never get to tell my friends how much they mean to me? And the vital role they played in my life at different points of time. I can’t die without telling my friends that they are awesome! I might have hated them, loved them a little more than others, lied to them, cried because of them, blamed them for no reason but when I look at the picture as a whole, I see an amazing painting… varied colors coming together and making a masterpiece. And yes, this is the last time I will be using painting as an analogy...

There is no misunderstanding you can’t come over, no amount of discomfort you can’t ease out. Ya… life will go on even if we loose a few people. Seems like an affordable deal for that matter. But I refuse to believe we replace vacant spaces, we just create new keeping the empty ones bare and blank!

And of course in a while I will come over this emotional lapse and find everything written above brainless and stupid. But before it happens I would like to say this to people I lost recently and people I would never want to loose, You matter!

I am waiting and I am in no hurry...

“It’s been seven years; still you want that girl only?”  One of my best friends asked this from me.

I answered in affirmative.

“Why?”  He asked again.

This “why” left me thinking.

   Why do I want only that girl? What are special in her?  Why do I fancy her?

Alas! I don’t have the answer. I never searched the answer. Why should I like her because of some merits or demerits? I like her because she got my attention.

    I vividly remember the day when I saw her first time.  I was giving my introduction in class and I was so nervous that words were not coming out from mouth. She was smiling at my condition or may be on my attire. I don’t know what happened but something happened, as if someone hypnotized me and whispered she is the one you will like.

   Nothing has changed in my feelings the day I saw her and today. She could not become my friend because I love her since the day I saw.  I could not express my feelings to her because she was never closed to me. I tried many times but the distance was too much that she could not hear my voice. Still, I want to convey my feelings to her but she avoids listening.

  

   I did not dream of spending my life with her neither I do because she cannot be a part of my life. My passion and my ambition will not allow. But one time I want to cross her path. I want her to sit with me.  I want to express my feelings before her. I know this is unlikely to happen soon or in near future. This is bitter truth that she cannot be part of my life but feelings for her will be part of my life as long as she wants.  I believe she will come to me to take her all feelings back from me.

I am waiting and I am in no hurry …

A crush is no curse...

We saw someone special and the heart forgot to take some beats. Well it does happen and you cannot deny the strength of these forces. They are stronger than those centrifugal forces that maintain the earth on its orbit(I think so)and they can make u weaker than a straw of wood ready to be destroyed by the one who enthralls (holds)it......... No matter how hard one may try, it sure to happen once in a lifetime.
Albeit some friends tell me it has more than often occurred to them as a daily phenomenon. It’s now a PART OF LIFE to them.
"Hey he's so cute", "she's damn pretty" blah blah ........ Infatuation comes so naturally to human beings as breathing does. The only clear distinction between the two, respiration needs oxygen while even vacuum can make u fall for somebody. And behold there is nothing wrong in that, I mean it’s natural to be human at times aloof from the mechanical parts of our life. To admire someone is no sin, nor the acknowledgment of the fact, but concealing your admiration surely is. It creeps into your mind incessantly harping the same thoughts.
A CRUSH IS NO CURSE............love him/her to have realized your feelings or for just having let you admired him/her.............that's the joy of loving or of being crushed...................u rise up for a better day and it doesn't crush you it soothes u for tomorrow and ever after............
Congrats you had a crush and if u don’t, look forward they might be on their way …

What are the friends for??

Today, I was chatting on facebook with one of my friend. Suddenly he reminded me that I am forgetting one of good thing in me. It's writing. Even, I did not realize, really, I was forgetting about this. I loved writing. But, people did not like my writing that's why there were very less comments on the post or few, even, did not receive one. Bad thing! 

Most of my blog were about the girl I love. But, she does not love me. It's also bad thing. It's pain or say It's the worst thing I can realize. But the fact is fact! What I can do with this, It's up to her?

Usually, I realized today this blog was not for the peoples. Something is missing was for me only. When, I see the post I can realize the happening of my past. Some were good, some were bitter. But, now they are memory and learning and of course smiles. 

Some people came in life and they became friends.  And, contrary other way, some people came and they made me realize that devils also live here. Some people turned out to be this much selfish even my foolishness will not allow to trust on them(read it him).  

Since last year, I was in bad state always. Life had taken 360 degree turn and I was puzzled at every happening. My social condition was bad but to add spice in this, my health was deceiving me at every step. I had read somewhere when luck is not working, hard work is paid. But, even I did not had strength to do hard work. My hemoglobin count was making sure I sleep all the time and when I would wake up, I would search food. At some point of time I was ready to eat raw meats. But this day did not come. Sometimes, bathroom was the best place to shed tears. I forgot the count... How many times I had to say "I am fine with smiling face" when I wanted scream loudly at the moment of receiving momma's call. 

Now, I think I am the luckiest person who has realized worst at the very beginning of the career. And, with this I found few good peoples, say friends, with whom I can fight all the time, I can laugh, I can tease, I can get teased, I can have arguments which do not make any sense. I can believe that they will be with me at my worst time. I extremely wish they would be with me my good time without them good time will not be good. They bastard are very selfish even they will ask for the party when I will be total fucked. What are the friends for? Really they are those people, I would love to mentioned their name Vijay and Prabhakar. These guys were always big support for me. Rohit is the guy, who did not forget me to call when I needed the most. And, many my childhood's friends and my college's friends who were always in constant touch with me during all these. 

I Love You Guys....