The conversation with a beautiful girl...1

17 Jan, 2 P.M.

I saw my watch. "Damn it's 2 'O' clock. She did not come. Has she gone already? No, but I did not see her going? Great Pradeep. OK! She will be coming soon."

I went straight to Guard and asked "Bhaiya, S3 k liye cab kab jayegi?"

"Sir samne wali cab ja rhi hai, baith jayiye" he replied.

I went to the place where cab was parked and looked around I did not see her coming.  I waited for sometime then sat in the cab and watched the time. Ohh god it's 2:05 now and she did not come yet. 

"Sir, Sar nāvu hōgi māḍabēku?" cab  driver asked something like this.

Sorry!!??

"Sir, Ab chalta?" He translated for me.


No, wait for 5 min more some more people will also go.


He did not replied anything and turn on the radio. It played some Kannada. I don't know exactly what was it? It may have been telgu or tamil or malyalam, i don't find any difference when I hear them.


I just checked my mobile. No message, no miss call. Thank God ! And it was on silent, after the meeting, I forgot to bring it in vibrate mode.


Then looked the watch again. It's 2:08 and my heart beat increased and shadow of disappointment started covering my thought.

Then for confirmation, I looked through the rear glass. There she was coming black top, eyeglass with full black framed was completely matching her with prettiness.

I leaned side and opened the door for before she opened it by herself. She even did not thank me. WTF where is the courtesy dying in girls? She sat beside me at the distance as much was possible in the Tata Indica .

Driver looked back and started the car and accelerated it.

I felt that my heart had more excitement than my mind. And its beats were disturbing the scenario I was making to bring the conversation alive with her.

She could have heard of the sound of my heart beats if she wanted to. But she did chose to play with her cellphone.

It was Samsung XXX (XXX=does not matter) and she was tapping on the screen. I looked at my phone Micromax XXX(XXX=cost around 1700 Rs last year, even key pad does not work on full strength of finger). I unlocked it and read an unopened message. It was my team mate he  dropped the message to wait for him, if I am in parking.

Driver asked for confirmation and I said, "No one is coming now, we can go now"  and looked at her for her approval but she ignored as if it does not matter whether someone is coming or not. Car left the parking lot and devil inside me dropped a message to my teammate "cb left, u mk up @ 3 shrp @caftria".

Cab was out of the Tech Park and she was not tapping her phone.

I composed my self and asked "Where are you from?"...

Continue....

You peoples are really important...

​Relationships can be so fragile! I can’t believe how dependent I am on my relationships. They give me something that nothing else in the world can. I love my people… well who doesn’t? but when I look back today and ask myself what is it that I remember the most and how do I see myself in future… the answer would be with my people. People I love the most! It’s almost unhealthy sometimes to what extent I can go to save a relationship. Ending up in realization that sometimes no amount of effort can change things or in fact get the changed things back to as they were before. Sometimes you loose friends and you have no idea why. I can’t help but mourn over such incidents. Wondering what went wrong. Wishing I would have just kept quiet or questioning my obsessive compulsion to be “honest”… why is it that everything has to reach a conclusion or given a name to? Why do we have to put some name tag on people and then we get peace. As if in a morgue with a dead name hanging to its owners big toe. No matter how angry or sad or agitated I get at times, I can’t deny the amount of happiness I got from my friends which make the little patches of tough times worth the pain.

Call me negative or whatever but a thought suddenly struck me today, this uncertainty that life comes with, what if I never get to tell my friends how much they mean to me? And the vital role they played in my life at different points of time. I can’t die without telling my friends that they are awesome! I might have hated them, loved them a little more than others, lied to them, cried because of them, blamed them for no reason but when I look at the picture as a whole, I see an amazing painting… varied colors coming together and making a masterpiece. And yes, this is the last time I will be using painting as an analogy...

There is no misunderstanding you can’t come over, no amount of discomfort you can’t ease out. Ya… life will go on even if we loose a few people. Seems like an affordable deal for that matter. But I refuse to believe we replace vacant spaces, we just create new keeping the empty ones bare and blank!

And of course in a while I will come over this emotional lapse and find everything written above brainless and stupid. But before it happens I would like to say this to people I lost recently and people I would never want to loose, You matter!

I am waiting and I am in no hurry...

“It’s been seven years; still you want that girl only?”  One of my best friends asked this from me.

I answered in affirmative.

“Why?”  He asked again.

This “why” left me thinking.

   Why do I want only that girl? What are special in her?  Why do I fancy her?

Alas! I don’t have the answer. I never searched the answer. Why should I like her because of some merits or demerits? I like her because she got my attention.

    I vividly remember the day when I saw her first time.  I was giving my introduction in class and I was so nervous that words were not coming out from mouth. She was smiling at my condition or may be on my attire. I don’t know what happened but something happened, as if someone hypnotized me and whispered she is the one you will like.

   Nothing has changed in my feelings the day I saw her and today. She could not become my friend because I love her since the day I saw.  I could not express my feelings to her because she was never closed to me. I tried many times but the distance was too much that she could not hear my voice. Still, I want to convey my feelings to her but she avoids listening.

  

   I did not dream of spending my life with her neither I do because she cannot be a part of my life. My passion and my ambition will not allow. But one time I want to cross her path. I want her to sit with me.  I want to express my feelings before her. I know this is unlikely to happen soon or in near future. This is bitter truth that she cannot be part of my life but feelings for her will be part of my life as long as she wants.  I believe she will come to me to take her all feelings back from me.

I am waiting and I am in no hurry …

A crush is no curse...

We saw someone special and the heart forgot to take some beats. Well it does happen and you cannot deny the strength of these forces. They are stronger than those centrifugal forces that maintain the earth on its orbit(I think so)and they can make u weaker than a straw of wood ready to be destroyed by the one who enthralls (holds)it......... No matter how hard one may try, it sure to happen once in a lifetime.
Albeit some friends tell me it has more than often occurred to them as a daily phenomenon. It’s now a PART OF LIFE to them.
"Hey he's so cute", "she's damn pretty" blah blah ........ Infatuation comes so naturally to human beings as breathing does. The only clear distinction between the two, respiration needs oxygen while even vacuum can make u fall for somebody. And behold there is nothing wrong in that, I mean it’s natural to be human at times aloof from the mechanical parts of our life. To admire someone is no sin, nor the acknowledgment of the fact, but concealing your admiration surely is. It creeps into your mind incessantly harping the same thoughts.
A CRUSH IS NO CURSE............love him/her to have realized your feelings or for just having let you admired him/her.............that's the joy of loving or of being crushed...................u rise up for a better day and it doesn't crush you it soothes u for tomorrow and ever after............
Congrats you had a crush and if u don’t, look forward they might be on their way …

What are the friends for??

Today, I was chatting on facebook with one of my friend. Suddenly he reminded me that I am forgetting one of good thing in me. It's writing. Even, I did not realize, really, I was forgetting about this. I loved writing. But, people did not like my writing that's why there were very less comments on the post or few, even, did not receive one. Bad thing! 

Most of my blog were about the girl I love. But, she does not love me. It's also bad thing. It's pain or say It's the worst thing I can realize. But the fact is fact! What I can do with this, It's up to her?

Usually, I realized today this blog was not for the peoples. Something is missing was for me only. When, I see the post I can realize the happening of my past. Some were good, some were bitter. But, now they are memory and learning and of course smiles. 

Some people came in life and they became friends.  And, contrary other way, some people came and they made me realize that devils also live here. Some people turned out to be this much selfish even my foolishness will not allow to trust on them(read it him).  

Since last year, I was in bad state always. Life had taken 360 degree turn and I was puzzled at every happening. My social condition was bad but to add spice in this, my health was deceiving me at every step. I had read somewhere when luck is not working, hard work is paid. But, even I did not had strength to do hard work. My hemoglobin count was making sure I sleep all the time and when I would wake up, I would search food. At some point of time I was ready to eat raw meats. But this day did not come. Sometimes, bathroom was the best place to shed tears. I forgot the count... How many times I had to say "I am fine with smiling face" when I wanted scream loudly at the moment of receiving momma's call. 

Now, I think I am the luckiest person who has realized worst at the very beginning of the career. And, with this I found few good peoples, say friends, with whom I can fight all the time, I can laugh, I can tease, I can get teased, I can have arguments which do not make any sense. I can believe that they will be with me at my worst time. I extremely wish they would be with me my good time without them good time will not be good. They bastard are very selfish even they will ask for the party when I will be total fucked. What are the friends for? Really they are those people, I would love to mentioned their name Vijay and Prabhakar. These guys were always big support for me. Rohit is the guy, who did not forget me to call when I needed the most. And, many my childhood's friends and my college's friends who were always in constant touch with me during all these. 

I Love You Guys....

 

The Dream and Obstacles on the way-3

One day, I was walking with my friend in Ganga barrage. The day was same as it was used to. I have a habit to walk in lonely place where i connect to myself. I had pressure of leaving Allahabad it was direct signal that I will not stay here. Maybe I was avoiding the feeling which was indicating that I am not welcomed here. Why? I don't understand the reason. Finally I had broken the silence and told everyone that I would start from this very place.

"No doubt! Many of you would suffer some loss. I want all rewards of my work whatever I have done till now," I said, “And as I am not concentrating on one business, so it's likely that in reward I don't want money, you keep this. All I want my contacts, helpers, dealers and the name you do work with. As there is only one person this time with me to help, so you can enjoy the luxury of being dominant till then," I told in a party.

After hearing this many came to cajole me, "you have good education and you can have good job. Why are you being trapped in this 99's dilemma?"
99's dilemma is considered as something is missed. It literally shows hunger, ambition and greed. It's like creating a target and after achieving it, a guilt come to haunt that the bastard you did not try hard, you could have more juice in that.

But I was adamant on my decision. Only thought was with me "let's do it. Now or never." I was not thinking for myself. My action was about to create more than 100 jobs directly or indirectly at the very beginning. I was crafting a big picture, a beautiful picture. I know I would have to be on my toe all the time, if I am dealing with peoples. But second day my father decided I would not stay in Allahabad. I could choose any place in India to live except U.P. Really surprising! I will not stay in U.P.?
"I am asked to leave U.P. which is still virgin in many areas. The time I move ahead to exploit opportunity, I am asked to leave. What the hell I would do in any other cities? What I did all times, remain here leaving me misfit to society?", I said to my father, " your decision is ruining me, may be you will lose me, maybe I will lost somewhere and you would not be able to search. You are not thinking. Just think! What I want?" and handed him a file.
"Please read it. Take your time. I can wait for good." I said.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got surprise on second day, the surprise I didn't want to have.
"You are leaving Allahabad. Get your ticket reserved as soon as possible. And if you don't get it, I don't care how you go?" Very strict words from my father.
I pleaded, I wept, I fainted but I could not deter his decision. My Papa is more stubborn than me.

My Papa's decision gave me a jerk. It upset me from my heart. My mind was not in state to think anything else. I just wanted loneliness for me. I confined myself within the home. One day I felt that my skin is getting pale in lack of sunlight and lack of physical work I was getting weaker. So, I decided to go outside to have some walk.

This was my third day in Ganga barrage. Me and my friend(Joker- Every one calls him by this name) used to be first disturbing the sand in evening. But this day someone had already walked on. I asked Joker to light the cigarette. Because I just want my mind diverted from all those things what happened few days before. The stress was driving me crazy. I smoked first and asked him to light another. He refused but when I insisted then he lit another and asked me not to throw the butt in bush.

I was just silently moving across the river bank and my friend was just getting bored from my silence. Suddenly a man emerged from the nearby bush and just pointed a hand made gun(katta) over my forehead.

"Oh! God..." was the word when I got the situation. He kept looking in my eyes, I in his. After few seconds my mind just started imagining everything I love and stomach felt thousand of butterflies as I will shit in next second. I did not know what to say. My mind was just getting angry and screaming just don't freak me out! Disappear or shoot.


"Abe trigger daba", were the words what came out in that situation.

And next second I listened a clique sound. I did not know what happened when the guy turned back, the bullet got fired. I was seeing joker and joker was chasing him madly. I scream at him," nahi Joker chhod use jane de." I realized that the bullet did not get fire on time. Sometime... most of the time hand made gun(katta) deceives on time and it is cheaply available in Allahabad like city.
Joker turned back and ran toward me and asked,"Abe kaise ho?" And help me to stand.

"Ye kaun tha sala, kahi tune to fielding nahi lagwai thi? Q ki mujhe tujh par kabhi wiswas nahi hota, tu sale kuch bhi kar sakta hai" I just threw harsh word over him.

"Nahi bhai, humka nahi mulum, pata nahi ee kauun rha. Tum rok liyo nahi yahi ooka niptayit." He said in soft voice in Allahabadi accent.


My mind was reacting bizarre. I could feel the heat in my body. I just slammed on the sand and tried to remain awake. Next moment I was unconscious. This did not happen because of fear. This happened because of anger. He patted my cheek helped me reach the Ganga's water. I got wet my hair and face completely. And this water was drenching my jeans.

I reconcile myself and just tried to imagine the situation. And I got few clue to find that man. I told joker to have few peoples for his company and asked him how to get that man and ordered him immediately get that man's in and out. I asked him plan and also told him how to recognize. I studied psychology's few book few month ago, when I finished I realized that it was the misuse of time. Now, that psychology's books were helping me to think by putting myself in that man shoes who tried to kill me.

Next day, by morning, I had all the details. The man was killing me only for 15 thousands rupee. I discovered that he is very poor because of this he had to do. He needed that money to to get rid from the debt and his wife's treatment. I asked him to show that gun. He refused when I build the pressure and put my gun over his forehead. Of course it was my turn to exercise the power. I smelled barrel, its gunpowder smell was fresh. And the worst thing is that he is addicted to gambling. His wife told me.

I can't help such type of man. All I could give him money for gambling by purchasing his gun. I just tossed 2000 Rs over him and advice,"goli ko istemal karne se pehle dhup dikha diya karo." I am sure he would not spend this money on his wife's treatment. And the pathetic part of the incident was that whole plan was designed by the man I respect the most. I have great respect for him. I follow his order like a good servant without thinking anything.

By 1 p.m. I left the home to go Khaga( A town in Fatehpur district). I spotted him purchasing vegetable in Local market. I went over and touched his feet.

"Jite raho beta... jite raho" he blessed me.

"Jite raho na bola karen... pata nahi kab apki duaye kisi aur k liye problem ban jaye..." I said smiling.

He smiled at me and asked,"Chal ghar chal, teri behne yaad kar rhi thi kal"

I followed him. I touched the eldest sister feet. She repeated the same blessing jite raho.

I wonder, one wants me dead and his daughter blessing me to live long. In his blessing there was crookedness and in other the purity.

I asked," Bachchi kaha hai.? Dikh nahi rhi?" by ogling in room She answered,"Coaching gayi hai"

I noticed nervousness on his face when i saw him but he controlled himself brilliantly. Now, it was confirmed that it was his plan.

I had snack what my sister made. I just teased her,"bahut bekar bana hua hai" and she pulled the plate and said,"nahi milega. jao!" And after seeing me struggling for the food she placed the plate on table.

She makes the delicious things I could travel 160 k.m. every day to have such delicious food. I asked the permission from her to let me go. First she refused and when I reasoned her she left me with promise that if I travel through this rout I will definitely come.

Tau accompanied me till the door. But I insisted him to come with me for few reasons. I stopped the bike and got off. I just asked him," When you are marrying your daughters?"

"Why?" He asked.

I answered, "Because I don't want to make them orphan. I want them all to have married in good families soon. I want you dead and do me favor please don't tell them what you did to me and what I want with you?" and I continued, “Use your money in good cause. So marry them soon. I advice transfer all the money on their names. So i could not have any difficulty in my execution. Don't worry I will have respect for you forever. I promise I will shoulder you."

I touched his feet and left him in middle way and headed to home. In the way I thought about my Papa. My Papa never refused anything when I went for permission and he supported me as well. But this time, He just ordered me leave state. He always gave me reason whenever he refused for anything but this time the reason was not described by him.

It's weird...

Where is life heading? It's weird to track it out. It's making me freak. I am sitting at the distance of 2400km and missing home badly. Really these feelings hurt. I know it's better to go back but life has its own trick to make you realize that you are so small against me. On the day of Holi, I was getting continuous call and each call was like a bullet. Everyone has a single question are you home I am coming to your place? Really, It was very odd for me. I could not say, "Hmm! Abe phone karke puch rahe ho, aa nahi sakte? jaldi aoo hum sab tumhara hi intezar kar rhe hai?".

But I don't understand myself that I am here to do the job. I was questioned in a telephonic interview," What is your salary expectation?" My answer was "MORE." The company HR was silent on my answer for a while and asked me to come at the office as soon as I could make. It's not all about the salary and environment. It's about the numbers, I like big, five or six digits don't satisfy me. It's all about the things I like to do. I believe in ups and down. Ups, to make me realize the importance of physical leisure and downs to make me furious about the situation and forcing me to seek the new ways. The city, where I am staying, is Bangalore. It's called the city of dream. The name is right. But I observed it closely, sorry observing is my bad habit and peoples complain me about this, and what I find here peoples come with dreams in their eyes and after few months they see their dreams disappearing from their eyes. Pathetic.... And after sometimes they become the crowd. I want to leave this city as soon as possible because I love my dreams and I never want to lose what I love.

Let me be true, here, my physical condition is very bad. I am under medication and if I don't care about my health and food I take, I invite more problems. And second thing I find myself that I don't need to have more exposure. I was brought up in poverty and this experience dwarfs any other exposure. I can survive in any place. But I don't want to survive rather I want to live. I am in my way to make a businessman. I am happy by getting positive response. I am in my way to be king of my own will. I want to forget the no. how many business I do. I am going to be rich and I never doubt it. My hunger is getting bigger and my risk appetite is being larger. It's weird to take risk for these emotions. One day my Papa wished to see my portfolio and after seeing that he became angry and threw many questions on me. "Are you mad? Where is your sense? Why there is only one company in your list?" My answer was simple big gain. This is not an easy task, you have to be dead for 1000 times and you have to kill your ego for thousands times. And the chap like me whose ego was like Antartica, is in share market. Really, it's weird.